Another lump

I found another lump in my breast the other day. It’s in the same breast that the cancer was in. I was told that if the cancer came back, it would come back either in my breast, bones, brain, liver or my lungs. Surprisingly I didn't panic, because I’m getting better at listening to my body, sill, once burned twice shy, so I went into the doctor and had ultrasound. It turned out to be a cyst, but I’m lucky enough to have a doctor that believes that a breast shouldn't have lumps!

Most doctors in this valley will tell you not to worry about a lump. If it is a cyst it might go away, or it might not, which is also true. Often a doctor will they drain them, but seldom will they remove a cyst.

My theory . . . If it shouldn't be there, get rid of it!

I have a friend that has been fighting with her doctor for the last five years over a lump in her breast. She wants it removed, the doctor has told her it would be a senseless surgery.

My question? Why stay with a doctor who isn't willing to listen to your concerns? Bottom line . . . it’s your body! Remember, that all you are is a chart at the end of that doctor’s day, so find a doctor who is willing to listen to your fears and work with you in order to find a solution that will alieve your fears! 

Luckily, I have found that type of doctor! I will be going in for a simple procedure in March to remove the lump. On the down side, I will have to make use of the operating room which is never a fun thing to do, but in the end it will be well worth the peace of mind it will bring me. 

Never Judge a Hairless Head or a Head Full of Hair!

One day a little girl come up to me in Wal-Mart while I was shopping. She didn't ask why I was bald, she just smiled at me, told me that I was pretty and that she loved my hat. She didn't question why I didn't have any hair, she just accepted me at face value. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all be like that?

Oh how sweet, you might be thinking? End of discussion . . . Wrong. We all know that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and yet we still do it. I bring this up because a fellow co-worker of mine has been growing his hair out for over a year. It’s not the best look on him, but he doesn't care. He keeps his hair clean and pulled back from his face, and he always looks neat. The other day I overheard someone say that they couldn't understand why he didn't cut his hair. These ladies continued to say that they thought he would look less grungy and sloppy if he’d just cut his hair.

When I overheard this conversation, I was furious. These women don’t know this young man is an absolutely hard worker with a heart of gold, all they see is a grungy kid with bad hair. What they don’t know is that for the last year, he’s been growing his hair out so that he can donate it to Locks of Love.  

I bring this up because when I was going through chemo I heard a lot of horror stories from my group of fellow cancer survivors about people approaching them in order to call them out. These people weren't coming up to make kind remarks like the little girl in Wal-Mart did to me. What they did was incomprehensible, because they were telling a woman with breast cancer that she needed to repent for her sins. This woman was then told that God was punishing her with cancer because she must be a wicked person.

WTH?

I don’t know about you, but the God, I know is a loving God. I also know that if you have cancer it is not because you need to repent for your sins or that you are a bad person! Having long hair does not make you a bad person, but speaking ill of others and judging someone is a sin, and it makes you a bad person for doing it in the first place!

Please, please, don’t judge someone for the way they look, you don’t know what they’re really going through, instead be kind, and if you can’t say something nice, don’ say anything at all!

Vinnie's

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Egq2qnnXSPY


I had a couple of people contact me about how they can learn more about getting Vinnie's, so I am attaching a video link from you-tube, so you can see just how amazing this man's work is. Yes, you can get a nipple tattoo in your plastic surgeons office, or you can even order rub on tattoo's from on line, but let's face it, once you see this man's work, who wouldn't want to go to New York and get your own Vinnies?

Here is a the link to watch if you are interested in getting a Vinnie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72sfSOh8Hdc
Anyone? Anyone?

I've already had three people ask if they could go with me and get their Vinnie's if I decide to get mine. Secretly, I think they just want to go to New York.

NIP-NIPS

Years ago while I was attending a church meeting, I couldn’t help notice the lovely woman sitting in front of me. She was dressed immaculately, her hair pulled up into an elegant coiffure. Her perfume held a sweet aroma that tickled my nose. In her arms she held a new born babe, while another child around the age of two sat next to her. This lovely lady looked like the perfect personification of a young mother.  It was about that time in the meeting that the speakers mowere in transition, so the meeting room was somewhat quiet when the little girl in front of me turned to her mother, and in a childish voice, asked for a “nip, nip?”

A nip-nip? Red candied nips?

Oh how sweet. She calls her candy nip-nips, (or so I thought?)

Boy was I wrong!

To my shock, the mother pulled down her dress, let her little girl climb on her lap and latch on to a dusty rose nipple.

WTH?

Well, at least I now knew what a nip-nip was, and yes, it brought a new meaning to the word eye-candy. So now when I think about nipples, I can’t help but call them nip, nips. Which brings me to the epic question . . . just how important are those nip, nips?

Well, I guess it depends on the individual. I can honestly say that when I had nip-nips, they brought me pleasure and pain. They nourished my children, alerted me to changes in temperature, and damn near poked an eye out a time or two when temperatures reached sub-zero realms.

So now that I’ve reached the all-time point in reconstruction, I have to consider the question . . . do I or do I not get nip-nips?

Yes, there are down and upsides to reconstructive nipples, for one thing, nipples make you look and feel normal. On the down side, they poke out, (but then they kinda have to, ‘cause it’s just the way their made.) There’s also the option of tattooing, but then if I want a tattoo, why get a nipple tattoo when I could always get something exotic instead of an areola? 

Bottom line - it all comes down to what makes an individual look and feel complete, normal and whole again.

As I was contemplating my options, nip-nips verses not nip-nips, I learned about "Vinnies". What are Vinnies? Well for those going for a real look to help them feel and look normal, there is an amazing tattoo artist in New York, named Vinnie. He started doing 3-D nipple tattooing years ago. Women have flown all over the world to have Vinnie recreates images of their nipples.  Recently, Vinnie decided he wanted to get back into the artistic side of his tattooing, and so he opted to stop doing nipple tattoos. (Coincidentally, on the day he decided to quit tattooing nipples, he got a call that changed his life.) Vinnie's sister called to say that she’d just been diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in that moment, that Vinnie decided tattooing nipples for his clientele was serving a greater purpose.

Now, on that note, I it's safe to say that I still haven’t decided one way or another on nipples. For now I think I’m just going to stick with the Barbie doll look, but one thing’s for sure, I won’t be whipping out any nip-nips anytime soon!    

TO BE OR NOT TO BE . . .

Life is filled with choices and with each choice comes a consequence.
In 2011 when I was diagnosed with the BRCA 1 gene, I couldn't wait for my family to get tested to help prevent them from getting cancer. Needless to say I was shocked when most of my sisters didn't want to get the test.

WTH?

Yes, I was angry with them. Confused, and finally just plain sad. Here I was fighting for my life, my body mutilated by this ugly beast called CANCER, and my sister's didn't want to SAVE their futures, from this disease? Not only were they denying themselves the chance to beat breast cancer and ovarian cancer, but they were closing a door to their children's futures.

Because the BRCA gene is an inherited mutated gene. A child has a 50/50 percent chance of having inherited it from the parent that carries that gene.

Damn, aren't I lucky? I CAN'T win the lottery, but I can sure as heck can get BRCA.

To be or not to be informed just didn't make sense to me. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER PEOPLE! So it took me a long time to come to terms with their choices. I had to remember that we ALL have free will. My desires and choices were just that--my choice not theirs, and while I will always have to fight medical insurance's on a disease that I once had, my sister's were facing obstacle's I hadn't considered.
IF they had the BRCA, they could be denied medical insurance simply because their bodies could potentially become a walking time bomb.  

Fast forward four years. My sister's and my mom have all been tested now. Only two of my sister's have the BRCA gene. One of them went in and had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. Her girl's look freaking amazing! (Yes, I've seen them...and I'm jealous as hell, 'cause her's look perfectly normal.) My other sister has opted to go in every 6 months and have a mammogram and MRI.
But the biggest blessing out of all of this, is that they can be open with their children and help be aware of options. I learned that the BRCA came from my dad, and we have been able to reach out and talk to extended family on my dad's side of the family we didn't even know we were related to. But in the end, it always comes down to choices. If we choose to be or not to be informed of those choices, and then to act on those choices.
 

WHEN CANCER CALL'S . . .

So, I found another lump in my breast this week. (Yes, I still have breasts even though I had a double mastectomy!)
 Anyway, I went to get an ultrasound today. Luckily, it turned out to be another cyst, but as I was waiting in the lobby and contemplating over the last few years along with the ups and downs life as thrown my way, I couldn't help but wonder if cancer hadn't come into my life would I be the same person?

 I’d have to say, NO, I wouldn't.

 Do I miss Thelma and Louise? Hell yes, I miss my girls. Reconstructive boobs aren't as good as the real things, but I’m alive, AND I’m a better person because of the cancer.

The truth is cancer is ugly.
I know the big ‘C’ is something that crosses everybody’s mind at some point. And yet, we all think we’re not going to get it. Or hope we won’t get it, but the sad fact is, cancer effects everyone.
Sadly, I've lost several friends to cancer over these last few years, and just this month I got the phone call that two friends of mine had been diagnosed with different types of cancer. Not only are these men fellow firefighters and have served with my hubby, but one of the men is my friend’s father, the other is her husband.

Talk about a double whammy for this family!

These two men stood by my side, three years ago and shaved their heads with me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. To think they are now going through their own personal hell with the mother of all beasts, is heart wrenching.

For those of you who have never gotten that call from cancer or had to deal with something like this, by God, count your blessings, ‘cause when cancer calls, it’s like shoving a shattered mirror in front of your face. It forces not only you, but everyone around you to see it, feel it, taste it, touch it, breath it — the very thing you spend your life trying not to think about or address, the ultimate antithesis of this wonderful life: DEATH.

And yet, it is the one thing that can make you really appreciate: LIFE.

Cancer made me stand back and prioritize what was really important to me. When I was going through chemo, and radiation, I stopped focusing on all the little crap that we tie are selves up in. instead I spent time with those that I loved, I said I was sorry, I became forgiving, understanding and compassionate to those around me, (no, cancer did not turn me into an angel), but it turned me change how I lived and how I saw life around me. It’s exactly like that Tim McGraw song, “Live like you were dying.” Cancer wakes you up, and makes you appreciate what you have, and what you are going to one day lose. 'Cause let's face, none of us are getting out of this life alive!

Am I saying I was glad I picked up the phone when cancer called? No, not really, (and yet) I am. I'm a better person because of that road I traveled.  In all honesty it's a lonely road, it is a soul searching, muddy, gravely road. It is ugly. It’s filled with up’s and downs and deep dark pits. It’s not pink, clean, pretty and tied up in a ribbon. It's not about races and runners and ponytails and survivor-ship. It is ugly and real, and people die. But it is also about living, loving, holding your loved ones tighter, closer. Saying you’re sorry, and finding out what you're made of or just finding peace within yourself and coming to terms with past grievances.
Would I wish cancer on anyone? Hell No! But for those that have answered that call, God bless you and your's in your fight.

Up and Running (okay not literally, 'cause I hate to run!!!)

I am currently taking a class at USU that requires me to post twice a week. EEEK! Are you shaking in your boots yet? If not you probably should. 'Cause let's be honest here, those of you that really know me can attest that I absolutely detest social media writing. I hardly ever check my Facebook page. I loath typing up random stuff or posting it to blogs . . . and I really, really hate to run! I do however love to write. BUT (and yes that is a very heavy BUT,) as a writer, I'd rather be creating a new novel. Maybe even indulge in a bag of sinful-thigh-cracking m&m's as I envision a romantic scene for my next chapter. Alas, taking the time to be a mother, writer, college student AND the devils soul collector, is no easy feat. And with that being said, I will now be carving time out of my hectic schedule to post some zany words of wisdom for fellow follower. (Okay, you can all stop laughing now! After all I am a wise-ass.) As a small reminder, please keep in my mind that my filter has been lost for some time. Since I have yet to recover said brain filter, nor can I recall where I placed it last, expect the unexpected from me as usual!